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Leaving Tomorrow!

October 5, 2012 · by Julie

October 5, 2012
Friday

The Journey is the Destination

The Changing Path

It came up so fast – tomorrow I board a Thai Airways flight to Bangkok, then on to Kathmandu to begin the adventure! Thing is, it’s not the adventure I’ve been sharing with you for the last several months. At all. I stopped sharing because, quite frankly, I had no idea what to say. I’m still coming to terms with my feelings about how this trip has evolved, and I swing from hating every second and wanting to cancel it to knowing that once I get there, it will be overwhelmingly, jaw-dropping amazing and I will forget that it’s not the trip I planned.

Expectations are dangerous. And painful. They truly are the cause of our suffering. I expected to go to Everest. I expected to see Nepal, Bhutan, and maybe even Tibet with a friend. I expected to be perfectly healthy and in great shape by now.

Expectations suck. They can be shattered.

Here are the highlights, the pieces I can put together and make some sort of sense of at this point.

The Trek

I wanted to go to Everest Base Camp. I’ve always wanted to go. Wade Davis, my first inspiration to become an ethnographer, recently wrote a book about Everest. Talking with him about his experiences at a lecture at the Bowers Museum back in March just sparked the fire. I was going to do it!

I psyched myself up for it, told all my friends and family, and even blogged about it. I trained hard – but wait. Something was wrong. I was getting short of breath, light-headed, and even passing out on training hikes that were a bit challenging, but should have been easy for me. They weren’t easy. I thought my asthma was acting up again. So I went to my primary care doctor, who sent me on to a cardiologist.

The good news is, I don’t have asthma! The bad? Asthma was a misdiagnosis from way back when. What I do have is two different congenital heart defects. They’re minor, but for some reason that we still don’t understand I also have mild pulmonary hypertension which is causing my symptoms and is likely related. My western doctors have been great at doing tests, and more tests, and more tests, and fine-tuning the diagnosis. We are still in that process, and I still need more tests when I get home. However, they have done NOTHING to address the shortness of breath and dizziness while exercising. Zero.

I did find a wonderful acupuncturist and specialist in Chinese Medicine, Michael Vercos at Pacific Bay Integrative Health Center in Santa Monica. Between the herbs and the acupuncture, my cardio world has changed. I never realized how it really felt to run – I never knew I shouldn’t be gasping for air, feeling faint, and getting a migraine a few hours later like clockwork. With his treatment, I am improving. However, I am still far from normal.

Because of this, I know I will be slower than the rest of the group at high altitude – and maybe even at lower altitude. I thought it was best to be honest with the trekking company, and perhaps hire an extra porter/guide to stay with me if I ended up being too slow, so I didn’t hold up the group. Nobody wants to be That Person, but since I knew there was a chance, I thought I’d be prepared.

Big mistake. Huge. Ethics suck.

Although they were very polite about it, the trekking agency made it clear that they really didn’t want me on the Everest Base Camp trek. They gave me the choice, but the tone was clear – if I chose to go, they would consider me a liability from Second One. I felt like I wasn’t wanted. I was devastated. I don’t feel like it would have been fun to go where I’m not wanted, and where everyone immediately considers me a pain in the ass. Hiring an extra porter wasn’t an option they really wanted to offer. Instead, they offered to switch me to another trek – Annapurna Sanctuary – which is lower altitude, and well within an altitude I have successfully tackled before. I switched. I want to hike with people who want me hiking with them. So. Annapurna Sanctuary, it is.

Another issue with the switch is that it’s a shorter trek. This has pros and cons. The main pro is that China is not issuing Tibet Permits in October. The shorter trek leaves me a potential window if they begin issuing them again in November, so it’s possible I can still make that work. We’ll see. The cons are numerous, from the disappointment to having to pay for an extra week’s lodging in Kathmandu at the end, which was still cheaper than changing my flight date. In the end, what should have been the less expensive trek ended up costing me more. I’m hoping to make good use of that time though, trying to get a Tibet Permit, or perhaps traveling to the south, or even just to Bhaktapur or some such place. I’ll make the best of it. But dealing with logistical changes and even a slightly different gear list has left me scrambling and stressed out rather than truly excited.

The Solo Travel

Then there was another change in plans. Although she didn’t plan to trek with me, a friend was supposed to join me for the first part of my trip. We were going to travel to Nepal together, then on to either Tibet or Bhutan, then I would return for the trek. A few weeks ago, she learned she was unable to go and she had to cancel. So here I am, traveling solo yet again. Now, for the record, I’m used to traveling alone. I enjoy it to an extent, and there are definite benefits. But this time, I was looking forward to company for at least part of the trip. I was still able to go to Bhutan, but as most of you reading this are probably aware, single supplements are the solo traveler’s punishment. For what, I’m not sure. For being too much of a loser to have a travel partner? Whatever. What it means is that Bhutan cost me twice as much as it would have in a group of two. Not a surprise, just yet another disappointment.

I was excited again when it seemed I might be able to connect with another friend who is traveling solo in Asia right now, but it turned out she’s arriving in Kathmandu the day after I leave for Bhutan, and she’ll be moving on before I return. I won’t see her either.

So. Solo it is. Story of my life.

At this point, with the flight tomorrow morning, I’m trying to get back in the game and remind myself that this is the beauty of travel. It always changes. The path you take is never the path you expected to take, and those detours are what make the memories. Like taking the Lares Trail when the Inca Trail permits were sold out, and meeting only locals along the way – no other trekking groups for days! Instead, we met farmers and herders who shared their lives, stories, and homes with us. Or driving from Victoria Falls back to Bulawayo in Zimbabwe, and running into a random guesthouse on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, where we ate the best french fries in the world as a local reggae band started an impromptu party that mesmerized us into dancing for hours. Or taking a standard wine tasting tour in Stellenbosch, South Africa that unexpectedly ended with Mark Bilton of Bilton Wines inviting all of us back to his home for a tasting in his private cellar. Fabulous wines, by the way! Get your hands on them if you can!

It’s the moments you DON’T plan that are the best moments. The real moments. Life.

I’m off to live mine. xoxo

Day 91 – Vegan Goodies!

August 2, 2012 · by Julie

August 2, 2012
Thursday

The Training

Look! It’s Vegan Bodybuilder Me! 🙂

Okay, so I have a long way to go to lift that kind of weight, but way back at the beginning I promised you some tips and tricks about training as a vegetarian. To be honest, I’m not vegan – but I’m getting there and I keep a vegan kitchen at home. I still find it challenging when I travel and yes, my Barney Boots are leather, but I do what I can, when I can to live as cruelty-free as possible. I don’t preach, I just hope to set an example that others might want to follow, even if it’s one step at a time. (Like climbing that mountain, you know?)

It helps that I am in LOVE with Vega products. I found Vega about six months ago when I first started my journey to Everest-land. I was searching for a way to get more vegan protein and there it was – fabulous stuff! Since then, Brendan Brazier has taken off like a rocket with his Thrive books and Vega and Vega Sport line of vegan yummies. For two months I had Thrive Direct vegan meals delivered to my house and/or my hotel, but when my expensive transmission failed, I had to take a break. It sure beats the hotel food I’m stuck with now though, let me tell ya! I could starve to death eating vegan on the road. Hello? Room service? MORE VEGAN OPTIONS PLEASE! But I digress…back to the point.

I can find a few Vega products at my local Whole Foods, but come on now – chocolate coconut vegan protein bars?! Who wouldn’t want to give those a nibble? Whole Foods doesn’t carry them, so when I got a tweet about Vegan Proteins, I clicked on over. If you know me, you know that I am also a huge supporter of small businesses whenever possible. I love what these guys (and a girl) are doing! They’re vegan bodybuilders raising funds for a documentary and competitions, to get the word out that you can, in fact, be healthy and (super) fit, AND vegan!

But wait! There’s more! They’re also SUPER friendly, fun, and have incredible customer service. My FedEx guy dropped off a box (with that cute picture of me drawn on it) just a little while ago. I needed that chocolate coconut bar to have enough energy to dig through it all! Of course, what I ordered was inside and it was all perfect. Plus there were samples of a bunch of goodies I’d considered ordering (did they read my mind?) and handwritten, personal thank-you notes! Despite a long, frustrating day, I’ve had a huge smile all evening – this is the kind of small gesture that makes me happy, and makes me want to tell the world about a great business!

So – where do you get your protein? Give Vegan Proteins a shot. You’ll probably even get a great drawing of yourself and a good laugh! How can you beat that?

(And no, they had NO idea that I would be blogging about this. They didn’t know me from any other random California vegan protein fiend. Like I promised at the beginning, I don’t take free stuff and I write honestly about what I actually use and know.)

Now, I’m off to finish that chocolate coconut bar…but not before I take care of The Details. It’s off to the post office to send my final balance for the trek off to ACTIVE New Zealand. (Yes I’m going to the Himalayas, but they run fantastic trips in New Zealand and South America too!)

Whew! All that’s left is to keep training and then get on a plane! Yay! Kathmandu, I’m on my way! 🙂

Day 87 – Loading Up!

July 30, 2012 · by Julie

July 29, 2012
Sunday

The Training and The Gear

After a week of weights, yoga, and indoor workouts I was ready to hit the trail again today with my friend Marian. We decided to do the same trail we did last week, since it has a lot of rolling hills and is a good interval workout with a lot of options.

I still wasn’t entirely sold on the Gregory Jade 28 pack, so I loaded it up and took it out on the trail. I’m happy to say that it held up really well! Very comfortable and the weight distribution was really nice – I hardly felt like I was carrying a load! During the hike I didn’t feel a thing, but there’s a slight problem a few hours later. My shoulders are aching a bit, which isn’t normal. I’m sure I had the pack adjusted properly, so all I can figure is that the ventilated suspension puts a little more weight on my shoulders than I’m used to carrying there. Perhaps I’ll adapt to the difference after a few hikes?

My biggest concern is still about my camera. I didn’t include it in today’s test load and I’m worried that with extra pressure on my shoulders from the pack itself, shoving a DSLR on top for easy access won’t work. I’m afraid the weight distribution will be totally wrong. I’ve ordered a backup plan – the Deuter ACT Trail 28. I’ll give it a try too and pick the better of the candidates. At this point, I know that I have at least one that will be fine, although not perfect. I’m convinced the perfect backpack simply does not exist.

Aside from the backpack, we had some extra fun today too! Somewhere along this journey, I bought a really cool toy – a Garmin Forerunner 610 GPS watch. I may have to exchange this one, as the pins in the band keep falling out. The original plastic band dangled like a bangle on my tiny wrist. This is definitely a toy designed for boys. I ordered the fabric wristband, but it hasn’t helped. The device itself is loosely attached to the fabric strap in a way that it still moves around when you run or hike. The curve of the device is so large that if you have a small wrist, you’re just kind of screwed. The worst part is that the movement works out the pins in the band and the watch disconnects on one end and starts flopping around on your arm. Not cool.

What is cool is the data that you get from the Forerunner. Anything you could possibly want to know, it’ll tell you. Heart rate? Check. Route map? Check. Speed, both moving and including the times you stopped to rest? Check. Elevation. Um, check. It’s disheartening to realize that the best hill hike within an hour drive takes me to a whopping 681 feet above sea level. Ignorance is bliss.

It’s fun to race against yourself and compare hikes though. Today we beat last week’s pace even while carrying significantly more weight. Awesome! Can’t wait to see how we do next week – assuming the whole thing doesn’t fall off my wrist before then, anyway.

Day 80 – On the Trail Again!

July 23, 2012 · by Julie

July 22, 2012
Sunday

The Training

Back in the saddle!!!

I still have to see one more specialist, but I am good to go to Everest Base Camp! It looks like I probably do, in fact, have a minor congenital heart defect after all. However, as far as heart problems go it’s pretty much a Best Case Scenario. It’s not going to kill me and it certainly explains a lot of issues I’ve had over the years that I wrongly attributed to various minor ailments: Climbing out of the Batoka Gorge in Zimbabwe? Asthma. (Nope.) Falling behind while trekking the Lares Trail in Peru? Altitude sickness. (Wrong.) Struggling on a climb in Malibu Creek? Allergies. (Definitely not.)

The good news is that with a couple of minor precautions – heart rate monitor, paying attention to my body’s signals – I can still climb to dizzying heights. I just have to be sure to slow down when my heart rate hits a certain point so I don’t actually get dizzy. I’ll never summit Everest (not that I was going to try,) and I’ll have to set my ego aside and accept that I’ll likely be the slowest person on the trek. But that’s okay. I CAN GO!!!!!!

So today, my friend Marian joined me for my first hike since this whole convoluted mess began. I’ll admit that I was a little scared. I didn’t really know what to expect, and I was glad I had a friend with me. In the end though, I had absolutely nothing to worry about. In fact, in the process of figuring out what was wrong I had a lot of tests – fitness tests included. As I was climbing up Water Tower Hill, I was thinking about my fabulous VO2 max and the fact that I am actually much healthier than most people my age. Between the positive focus and the rest step that another friend taught me as a way to increase my oxygen efficiency on climbs, I was literally jumping up and down doing the Happy Dance at the top of the hill – not even out of breath at all!

I have had this all my life. I have accomplished challenging climbs before, without even knowing I had any limitations. Why let the mere knowledge of something that’s always existed limit me now? Never!

See you on the trail! 😀

Day 70 – Wired Up!

July 12, 2012 · by Julie

July 12, 2012
Thursday

The Training

“Where’s your med list?”

I must have been asked this question five separate times within a couple of hours. Apparently, I’m one of the rare few who shows up in the cardiology department of a hospital with NO daily medications. That’s okay – I get my “medicine” the old-fashioned way and I intend to keep it that way, if at all possible. They don’t see vegetarians much here either, so I’ve learned to politely tolerate the mini-lectures on not eating cheeseburgers every day. Best to just smile and nod.

I spent a good chunk of today wired up, running on a treadmill (bras not allowed – a man designed this test, for sure!), checking out my heart on monitors, and laughing and joking with an amazing (and dare I say fun?) cardiology team at St. Mary Medical Center. I still need to wait for my cardiologist to read the results, but somehow I’m not too worried. My heart rate and blood pressure were exactly where they were supposed to be during the entire test, and they did exactly what they were supposed to do in different stages. My EKG was perfectly normal. My V02 Max surprised even me – it’s fabulous!

Of course, the cardiologist wasn’t actually there and without his interpretation of the results, I have no idea if the echocardiogram showed any abnormalities. I do know that it was really cool to see my own heart! It’s all there, and it’s beating. That’s good, right?

In any case, I’ll have a definitive answer next week. My money is still on allergies or asthma. Or maybe a cold I didn’t realize I had. Or a random carrot allergy, as one of my friends has put out into the universe.

But my heart? I bet it’s perfectly fine and ready to take me to Everest Base Camp!

Day 68 – Just Keep Moving

July 10, 2012 · by Julie

July 10, 2012
Tuesday

The Training

After a couple of really good runs on Friday and Sunday, I had almost forgotten that I have more tests at the cardiologist’s office coming up on Thursday. Today, however, my run on the treadmill at the gym wasn’t that great. In fact, it was awful. My heart rate spiked to 90% of my maximum just three minutes into a slow jog. I slowed down to a walk and brought my heart rate down again, then was able to run for ten minutes at an even slower pace before hitting a wall and watching my heart rate spike again. After that, I slowed to a walk, cranked the incline up to 10% and walked out the rest of the hour. Clearly, something is still very wrong.

Right now, I’m facing my appointment on Thursday with mixed emotions. I’m both terrified and hopeful. I want an answer, but I’m hoping for a simple problem with an easy fix.

In the meantime, I’m just going to keep moving. One foot in front of the other, even if it has to be super slow. Just keep moving. After all, that’s how everyone gets to Everest Base Camp, right? And I’m still determined to get there.

Day 60 – The Heart of the Matter

July 3, 2012 · by Julie

July 2, 2012
Monday

“You’re way too healthy to be in my office.”

Well, yes. I think so too. But here I am. I’m consulting with a cardiologist, while the trip to Everest Base Camp weighs heavily on my mind. How did I get here?

It all started about a month ago, on a group hike, when I became dizzy and extremely short of breath on an uphill segment and just couldn’t keep up. Or maybe before that, even, when my ankles started swelling up like balloons after relatively short flights. The pollen count was really high the day of the hike, and since 2004 I’ve been diagnosed/undiagnosed with asthma a couple of times. Whether it’s actually asthma or just allergies seems to remain an open question. In any case, despite running and hiking and all that, I’ve been having trouble increasing my cardio fitness significantly. In fact, I sort of appear to be going backwards, able to increase my endurance but only at slower jogging speeds.

So I thought it might be a good idea to see my doctor. I figured I’d walk out with a new inhaler and maybe another prescription for Singulair. Instead, she took about 10 seconds to tell me that she was sending me to a cardiologist. Granted, I showed her these photos taken of my feet after a four hour flight. Plus there are other risk factors as well – I had rheumatic fever as a child – so I understand her concern. And I wasn’t exactly thrilled with elephant cankles either. (Compare this to the photo of my feet on Day 7.) Still, I didn’t expect the next words that came out of her mouth, “symptoms of congestive heart failure.”

WHAAAT?????

I’m sure she saw the look on my face, and she quickly tried to reassure me by telling me that yes, it’s usually an old person’s problem, but she had a seemingly healthy 30 year old die in front of her from it once so young people can get it too. Um. Okay. That doesn’t exactly make me feel better. Now, I do medical sociology and conversation analysis for a living. Doctor/patient interaction is something I’m extremely familiar with from a research perspective. And let me tell you, that was just about the worst bad news delivery I’ve ever heard.

But there it was.

Later that day, I went to the lab, became a human pin cushion, dialed back the intensity of my training for now and…waited.

Today, the news is good. It is NOT congestive heart failure or any other obvious horrible heart condition rearing its ugly head. Still, there is a murmur and more tests next week should give us a much better idea of where things stand. In the meantime, I have not been exercising outdoors. I’ve been sticking to the treadmill at the gym, and to a nice, slow jog. My ankles are fine. Most days my breathing is fine. I still wonder if it’s just allergies or asthma, and if that ends up being the verdict I will be really upset that our medical system put me through this stress. The first day, I was in shock. The second, I cried. Now after hearing that all my labs are perfectly normal, I’m getting angry – at myself. I wonder if I should have even bothered to go to the doctor at all. I wonder why when I was a bit younger, similar symptoms were diagnosed as asthma and a low resting heart rate was considered a sign of fitness, not illness. I marvel at the lack of communication between my doctors and the lab and the insurance company. It seems like this process is taking so loooong and for the first time ever I feel like a collection of disconnected symptoms rather than a person. I wonder if a more holistic approach would feel any different, or have a different result. I wonder if something one doctor or another didn’t bother to ask could be important. I spent maybe 10 minutes with each of them, max.

All I can do now is wait, and hope that this was all for nothing. Hope that they freaked me out and caused a couple of weeks of stress for absolutely no reason at all. Because really, once the wheels of Western medicine are in motion, that’s the best case scenario. That I stressed out, took tons of time away from work, got pricked by phlebotomists who left week-long bruises, spent a lot of money, and in the end I come out the other side with all the tests negative and nothing objectively wrong, even though my ankles still swell and I can’t run faster than 4mph anymore. That’s the BEST thing that could happen. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

For now? Everest Base Camp is still ON! My cardiologist didn’t bat an eye, tell me to stop training, or give me any lectures on high altitude trekking. We’ll see what happens next week, but for now it’s a go and I intend to keep moving forward – even if it’s just at a slow jog!

Day 24 – The One(s)!

June 2, 2012 · by Julie

May 28, 2012
Monday

The Training

I’m grateful for the holiday weekend, since I actually get to make up some time by squeezing in two hikes this weekend instead of one! Since I did hills at Peters Canyon on Saturday, I’ll head to Palos Verdes today. This trail is a regular hike for me, and it’s incredibly deceptive. You start at the top of the hill and make your way down to the bottom. The grade isn’t steep at all, so it’s super easy to feel really confident – until you find yourself at the bottom, looking at the top of the hill where you parked your car. D’oh! As I turn and head back up, I realize that this trail is what Arturo, my ACTIVE South America guide on the Jaguar trip in Peru, called “Andean flat.” It looks flat at first glance, but your heart rate tells you otherwise!

This is a great trail to work on endurance, and on setting a good pace. I’m the kind of person who will burn out if I stop and rest. I do much better if I just keep moving slowly, one step at a time. My goal today was to get from the bottom to the top without stopping – and I made it!

The Gear

This is also a great place for the first test hike in new boots. It’s the same trail I took the Vasque Wasatch boots on for the first time, so it seemed fair to bring out the Barneys. Um, I mean the Ahnu Montaras. There’s some downhill, some uphill, and a lot of slippery shale. It’s the perfect test track.

Now, I’m trying not to jinx this, but…wow! You know how sometimes you break up with someone after a really tumultuous relationship, and then you meet someone new and realize that you have absolutely no idea what you ever saw in that first person anyway, because the new guy is just perfect for you? This is like that.

Okay, maybe they’re not perfect. The down side is that the soles of the Barneys are lighter and more flexible, so I definitely feel every rock I step on. Traction isn’t as good either, although Peters Canyon will be a better test of that on the downhills. However, I’m used to all that. Living in Southern California, the only time I ever hike in boots is when I’m planning to go somewhere else. I usually hike in trail runners or even hiking sandals, so feeling the road isn’t a deal-breaker. It’s kind of like a car – my ex-boyfriend’s Audi A6 didn’t feel a single bump. It was smooth and felt sturdy and solid. My Audi TT? It feels every little groove, every pebble. It hugs the road. It feels delicate, and honestly? Given my repair bills, it is delicate. But I still prefer the TT on the road, and I prefer the Ahnus on the trail.

I’ve learned that how your feet feel when you take the boots off is just as important as how they feel when you have them on. I felt like I’d been wearing comfy slippers all day! As a bonus, I’ve just taken sides in the Gore-Tex vs. eVent war. It was in the low 80s at the trailhead and I sweat. I mean I REALLY sweat. Especially when I’m wearing liner socks AND thick wool hiking socks. I expected my feet to be soaked just like the rest of my body was when I took my boots off at the car. They were bone dry. No joke. There was barely a lick of moisture on the inside of those boots. I’m firmly on Team eVent now!

I’ll admit to a little trepidation about the fact that these are light hikers and not serious backpacking boots. I have faith in them though, and since they’re much closer to the weight and heft of my old, comfy boots, I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, the single most important thing out there is that they fit comfortably. These clearly meet that criteria. I’m even starting to like the purple…a little bit. Maybe. Although given the way they looked after a single hike, I’m guessing they won’t stay purple long!

Day 22 – Hiking! Finally!!

May 29, 2012 · by Julie

May 26, 2012
Saturday

The Training

I’m feeling like such a slug lately! It’s Memorial Day weekend, but instead of going to a barbecue where everyone will be pigging out and drinking booze, I’m going hiking because I really need to get off my butt after the last two weeks on the road. Yes, I’m hiking by myself. On a holiday. Story of my life, but that’s okay. It was supposed to rain today but it ended up being an absolutely gorgeous day with temperatures in the mid-70s. Perfect for a hike!

I headed to Peters Canyon again, figuring that I should climb some hills after spending the last week or so on my bum. Today I decided to add some mileage by doing an extra ridge loop and the loop around the lake in addition to twice up and back on the roller-coaster hill trail. All in all, I hiked for about 3 hours. Nice! I feel much better now.

I think I found evidence that Bigfoot roams this trail too! 😉

The Gear

I’m calling time of death on the new Vasque Wasatch boots. I’ve had them for two months now, carefully broken them in, and tonight? My feet are KILLING me! I’m not getting blisters but my feet just feel tortured. Massive fatigue after just three hours. This is never, ever, ever, going to work on the way to Everest Base Camp. These are clearly not the boots for me.

I’m writing this as I sit on the couch, rolling my feet over a frozen water bottle. My phone rings across the room, but my feet hurt too much to get up and answer it. This is not normal after two months of wear. As much as I love the traction on these boots and their solid construction, if I’m still questioning whether or not they will work, I think I have my answer.

Next?

Day 21 – Catching Up

May 28, 2012 · by Julie

May 25, 2012
Friday

The Training

I fully intended to get to the gym today, my first day back at home. I really, really, REALLY did. Alas, it was not to be.

Here’s what I had to do today:

Pick up my car from the dealership, which is an hour away from my home. Yay, new transmission! Boo, half a day gone.
Sort through my 18 inch stack of mail (not counting the Yeti Bobblehead I put on top and the beautiful scarf my mom sent me from Italy, which I opened right away) and pick out important stuff that MUST be handled before the long weekend. Handle it.
Go to the bank and deposit the checks that have been sitting in my mailbox for two weeks. I really wish my clients would use electronic transfer, but they don’t.
Pay bills. Make sure nothing is going to bounce since my checks have been sitting in my mailbox rather than in my bank account because there was nobody here to deposit them.
Get groceries, since the wine and strawberries my house-sitting friend kindly left for me are pretty much my only current food options. And a few onions. Since onion and strawberry soup sounds disgusting – even with wine – I need to hit the store. Soon.
Go to Target. Buy a new microwave and basics like toilet paper and shampoo, which are both running dangerously low.
Go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. Again, this is one of those things that’s tricky due to my travel schedule. My insurance will only allow a refill to be processed a few days before I’m out of meds, and my pharmacy will only hold the prescription for 10 days after it’s filled. Which means that if I’m traveling for more than a week, I have a very tight window to pick it up before running out. This time, I have two days. Luckily, it’s not a critical prescription and I will not die if I don’t get it in time (or ever, really.) But still. It’s a pain.

So. No gym. At the end of the day, I do have food, toilet paper, a running vehicle, and money in the bank. Plus a beautiful Italian scarf from my mom. So that’s a good day. But no gym.

The Motivation

I also had a conversation with my house-sitting friend today about why I do these crazy trekking adventures. It’s a valid question, especially since one thing that I haven’t shared yet is that I have a weird sleep disorder. It’s a circadian rhythm disorder called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. What that means is that I’m constantly jet-lagged, even when I’m not traveling. My body’s circadian rhythms – sleep, digestion, peak performance (both physical and cognitive) – are delayed by 3-4 hours each day, compared to what is considered socially normal. My normal sleep time is 1-2am to 9-10am, which is medically considered a moderate delay, and is significant given that most work days begin just as I am waking up.

I also have a very hard time adjusting to different time zones – especially moving east, and especially if it’s just a few hours. I find it easier to adjust to the other side of the world, as I can just stay up longer which is much easier than trying to get my body to fall asleep and wake up earlier. Still, it’s a challenge. I use various combinations of melatonin, light therapy, and behavioral coping strategies to maintain a relatively normal life. Many people with this condition have a greater delay than I do and are not able to maintain anything close to a normal social rhythm. There’s also a related condition known as N-24, which involves a longer circadian rhythm and sleep that rotates around the clock. These conditions can be disabling. The nausea upon waking that we call a “sleep hangover” is only one of many daily challenges. I am one of the lucky ones, as I can fight the delay for short periods of time as long as I have rest time to catch up afterward. Still, it’s hard. Living with a circadian rhythm disorder can be compared to someone with a normal rhythm having to wake up at 1 or 2am every single day for the rest of their life. I know this would suck because I hear all of you complain when the time changes by a single hour! Imagine that feeling multiplied by three or four, always. Every day. Forever. I have no sympathy when Daylight Saving Time rolls around. None.

So why do I travel and make it even harder? Why do I want to haul myself out of a sleeping bag at Oh Dark Thirty for weeks on end, for fun?

To be honest, the answer is that it’s not just for fun. I trek up mountains in challenging conditions because it helps me deal with my DSPS on an everyday basis. It has taught me to keep moving when I’m sure I’m going to collapse. I’ve learned that even when my body screams “NO MORE!,” I can still find a little bit more. I’ve learned that when a porter is at the tent door with hot water and tea at 4:30am, I might be so exhausted that I greet him in tears, but I can, in fact, will myself to unzip the tent door and still find the energy to thank him. The goals that I set for myself on the trail – “I’m not stopping to rest until I get to that rock,” – have given me the courage to set goals in my everyday life. “I can get through that 8am conference call, then I can go back to sleep.” My brain doesn’t work very well before noon. I’ve learned to accept my limitations and structure my days in a way that the heavy lifting of my job can often be done during the hours where I’m sharpest and my mind is clear. Trekking has helped me get through the times when that can’t be done. I’ve pushed through physical pain and discomfort before, and I know I can do it again.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually I will be standing at the top.

Just keep moving Post-Its off the to-do list on the wall and eventually I will get to 2pm and the nausea will go away and my brain will kick in.

That said, I want to acknowledge again that my delay is moderate and under the right circumstances, I can shift it by an hour or two for very limited periods of time. Many people with circadian rhythm disruptions are not able to will themselves out of bed or unzip a tent in the early morning hours or conduct an 8am conference call no matter how much they want to, how hard they try, or how many treks they attempt. I am grateful every day that with difficulty and a lot of hard work, I can manage to function in “normal” time on a short-term basis. I am one of the lucky ones.

Waking up is still the hardest thing I do each day. Adventure travel – and trekking in particular – has taught me to deal with adversity and to keep moving forward through the pain and discomfort. That’s why I do it. Well that, the breathtaking views, and the porters who bring me hot tea. It’s complex. And worth every painful step.

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